How Perfectionism Drove Me to Pornography.

To be honest, this is probably one of the hardest things I have ever written about. God placed this idea on my heart for a while now, and I’ve avoided it like crazy. But here I am. I’ll let you decide who won that argument.

You ever meet those people who walk around classrooms fixing every table so that they’re all lined up perfectly to one another? Or the kind who go around working every little detail that doesn’t make sense to them? Or better yet, the ones who come across as super controlling and an idea generally never works for them unless it’s theirs?

Yes. I am all the above. Every single one.

I absolutely Love to plan things and I LOVE when things turn out PERFECT to the T…at least my version of perfect, anyway.

I think that in many ways, our culture glorifies this. The idea that we need to know what we’re doing and that we need to constantly be pushing ourselves to not just win some sort of (success) race, but to win that race by ten miles. Coming in first is no longer enough. In order to be happy, life needs to be perfect, Right?

I mean, how many times have we watched movies in which the woman is looking for the ‘perfect’ man or someone is looking for the ‘perfect’ job? How often has that happy ending been the ‘perfect‘ ending–where everything goes back to the way it’s supposed to be?

But here’s the real truth:
My obsession with perfectionism, drove me into an addiction to pornography.

Growing up as a pastor’s kid, I never thought that I would ever struggle with porn. And I was a woman, so the odds of me ever dealing with something like this were super slim…right?

That was probably the first mistake I made: When we underestimate the power of temptation, we fall right into it.

How does perfectionism play into this?

You see, when you constantly live with the idea that life needs to be perfect in order for you to attain true joy, you get muddled up into a whole lot of bad habits because you’re chasing after something that really isn’t there.

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You can’t fix him… and why that matters.

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I have spent about a year wanting to write about God-centered relationships but my heart wasn’t in the right place. I felt like a hypocrite.

My ex-boyfriend is a “Christian”. However, we didn’t view our faith in the same way. He believed in God, but didn’t like going to church, praying, reading the Bible, getting involved in youth group or even talking with me about how amazing the God we serve really is.

Depending on where you are in your relationship with God, that might not seem like a big deal to you. But for me, it was. My relationship with God comes first in my life and I wanted to be with someone who felt the same way. I spent a lot of time asking God whether or not I should be in a relationship with this guy and whether or not he was a part of God’s plan for my life. I so badly wanted Him to show me the “right” path to take. Beyond that, I wasted countless times listing pros and cons trying to figure out if being with this guy long term was something that I really wanted.

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The Power of a Wrecking Ball

Songs can be so catchy, can’t they?!

You find yourself repeating the same tune and lyrics through your mind over and over and over again… and eventually you start singing it aloud (which isn’t always a good thing for some people) wishing it would go away. Well today I  found myself singing Wrecking Ball by Miley Cyrus…. not so good.

Miley_Cyrus_-_Wrecking_Ball_ Miley-Cyrus-Wrecking-Ball

You know the whole “curiosity killed the cat” phrase… that was me. I like to be in the know.

So I will admit it – yes I did watch the music video…. sadly. If you have not seen it, I would NOT suggest following in my footsteps. Images do not erase out of your mind easily/at all. But one thing that did come out of the song for me personally was the thought of redemption. I know this may sound a little silly but bear with me. Some members from our AMH team recently were talking about the power of redemption, and as Christians we can either shun away from all the things of this world, become a part of this world, or try to redeem it. For instance in this song, Miley sings:

“I came in like a wrecking ball, I never hit so hard in love. All I wanted was to break your walls. All you ever did was wreck me.”

This is a powerful image that is full of emotion and energy. When asked about the song Miley said if “you actually look at me, you can tell I look more broken than even the song sounds.”

This is a song about a destructive relationship between two people where they jumped into something without truly knowing the other person and came out hurt (at least that is my interpretation).

But look at it with me from a different perspective.

If we take the analogy of the power behind a wrecking ball and how it demolishes even the hardest of walls, then instead look at the resurrection power of Christ coming into someone’s life. When God enters our heart he comes with all the power of Heaven, walls crumble in the presence of our Lord. Sometimes you hear people pray to God – wreck me in the best way possible.

It is sad to look at how Miley has allowed the world to overcome her life, but God has said in his word that HE has overcome the world (John 16:33)! We have a powerful God and I think we can overlook God’s strength when we only focus on his love. They are synonymous – one and the same. God’s love is like a wrecking ball when it enters our life. He came in like a wrecking ball, by breaking down your walls. He only wants to free your heart. So you can fully love Him.

a normal wrecking ball

Dear Jesus, Thank you for being a redemptive God who is jealous for our love. I pray that you would powerfully move in these girls lives this week that they would be able to give up some of the strongholds in their lives to your wrecking power. Please wreck them in the best way possible that they would feel the power of your love.  Help lead them in your paths that they do not become over powered by this world but would bring your redemptive love to the world. Thank you for all of their beautiful hearts and willingness to follow you! In Jesus name – AMEN!