Why Sex with Your Boyfriend Isn’t Love| Time for the Sex Talk

AMH series // Time for the Sex Talk

Raise your hand if you grew up in the golden era of Disney Channel stars. I remember when the Jonas Brothers, Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato, and even Miley Cyrus proudly wore their purity rings. They talked about their moral values and commitments to save sex for marriage.

“I’m going to keep my promise to myself, to my family, and to God,” said Selena Gomez in 2008. But only a few years later, I was sad to see her take off her purity ring, saying “It’s not for everyone.”

One by one the chaste goals of Hollywood superstars were but a chain of broken promises. So what happened?

Nick Jonas said, “I’m now a man. And I do what men do.” He fell in love. And he believed the lie that love makes it okay to have sex.

I’ve heard that line more times than I can count. But, no matter how good it sounds, I can’t find it anywhere in the Bible.

In fact 2 Timothy 2:22 urges us to flee from youthful passions so we can pursue love instead.

So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart (2 Timothy 2:22).”

Sex is not the same as love

Love is not sex. We can obviously love someone without having sex with them. Friends…. family… we enjoy many loving relationships that are not sexual in nature. So sex, while it can be an expression of love, is not necessary for love to exist.

And sex is not love. This is obvious in cases where abuse and exploitation occur. Sex can be an act of violence or force, causing deep pain and trauma in victims of rape. Even in consensual situations like one night stands, sex is void of love. When it’s not the way God designed it, sex can be damaging. It can be hurtful.

But love?

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).”

  • Love is patient. Love understands the value of waiting while premarital is impatient. It says you’re not worth the wait.
  • Love does not dishonor others. But premarital sex dishonors the temple of the Holy Spirit and dishonors your boyfriend’s body as well.
  • Love is not self-seeking. But premarital sex is focused on self-pleasure, idolizing what you want over and above what God wants. It puts self before God, seeking your own desires regardless of God’s commands.
  • Love never fails while premarital sex often destroys relationships and does not withstand break ups.

The bottom line? Having sex with your boyfriend isn’t loving. It’s actually the opposite of loving. It is selfish.

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Real love is not selfish

Sometimes people have premarital sex because they secretly fear that they’ll lose the person if they don’t. But that’s not love.That’s emotional manipulation. Real love never manipulates someone’s feelings for your own benefit.

Or perhaps they want to see if they are physically compatible. Does it work? Is there a spark? But that’s not love. That’s seeing if the person meets your own expectations.

Real love seeks what is best for the other. It puts the other’s needs before your own. It thinks long term and considers the other’s future. Real love doesn’t put others in damaging situations. But that’s exactly what premarital sex does. Not only does it create emotional drama and manipulation in the present, but it drags another person into regret, baggage, and sin that shows up later in life.

A survey of 100,000 women written about in Christianity Today linked “early sexual experience with dissatisfaction in their present marriages, happiness with the level of sexual intimacy and the prevalence of low self-esteem.”

They didn’t feel valued. They didn’t feel like they were worth the wait. They felt disconnected and no longer desired by their spouse.

But imagine if someone loved you enough to cherish you, to treasure you, to say that you were worth the wait? That’s true love.

When we feed ourselves lies and feast on negativity we are entirely absorbed in ourselves. (2)

When we save intimacy for our marriage relationship, God blesses it. I’m not suggesting we are somehow “magically” blessed with better sex for doing the right thing. But we are blessed because we truly understand each other’s value and bring that perspective into our marriage and into our sex lives.

May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer— may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.” Proverbs 5:17-19

A love that waits is not a love you get bored with after a few years. It’s a love that understand true value. It’s a love that satisfies. It’s a love that loves forever!

How can you love your boyfriend now?

Since sex is off the table for women who want to glorify God in their dating relationships, how can you love your boyfriend? You certainly do not have to wait until marriage to be loving!

Proverbs 31:12 tells us that the woman of noble character “brings him [her future husband] good, not harm, all the days of her life.”How is that possible? She brings him good before she even knows him? You can too! Right now, before you are married, you can be loving your future husband by loving your boyfriend in God-honoring ways.

Pray for him. Regardless of if your relationship works out, you should want the best for your boyfriend. Pray for his future. Pray for his daily struggles. Pray that God would shape him into the man he wants him to be.

Encourage him to be the best he can be. Focus on developing into stronger people together, whether that means finishing school or building a career, make sure all of your time and energy isn’t poured into a relationship that may or may not work out but you are also encouraging each other to become the best you can be!

Pursue purity. Encourage him to live a holy life so he doesn’t have regrets. You don’t want him having to deal with baggage from your relationship when he’s married to another woman with two beautiful kids of his own.

Commit yourself to celibacy. Even if you’ve already had sex it’s not too late to pursue holiness now. The number one relationship that you want to get right is your relationship with God. Whatever you’ve done can be forgiven, and you and your boyfriend can live in purity from here on out. Being pure isn’t about being perfect. It’s about seeing God. When you walk in purity you can see God clearly and grow closer to Him.

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Curious to learn more about our sexuality and why God calls it holy? We’ll be covering objectification, temptation, and God’s holistic design for purity. Follow the blog or join us on facebook and instagram for the month long conversation.

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